chenanceou: (073)
I can't sleep, but I'm pretty sure you are all soundly so. I got things to do this next week that I'm not looking forward to - the sort of things that poke you, needle you and then let you know how healthy you are independently of how you actually feel. Hence the wakefulness even at this early hour.

That's not why I'm here. I'm here because I got an e-mail from BAPS, as I assume some of you did, announcing its impeding demise. I have to be honest - I hadn't given thought to that chunk of past in a long time. Yet, looking at that e-mail, it hit me. BAPS meant so much to me and, even in hindsight and the [oh, so petty] Hellmouth episode, I still am grateful to the world it propelled me into in a way that doesn't seem understandable to people who aren't us.

I had been unconventional for quite some time. Where I come from, I was the weirdo [I blame Harlan Ellison, but that's another story] girl wearing black and shunning the sun in a world known for its tiny bikinis and sun-fried skins. The way I looked didn't fit with who I was and none of that belonged in the universe of pastel skirts and Mary Janes. Now I know that here and there people like me recognize others and feel less lonely. I, unfortunately, grew up very insulated from the possibility of meeting a lot of people who are us. One makes do with masks. One becomes very adroit in the juggling of perfect smiles. You cope.

Then BtVS comes into my life and rapidly becomes a bit of an obsession [understatement 'r' us]. I was still floating all alone with it all when I found BAPS. Bloody Hell, I found people who, even though were individuals with their own kinks, shared something I could understand. I was no longer the freak and I was hooked. Where else could you have hour long debates on soul schmoul, redemption, evil and good [other than at a seminary that is]? Where else would knowledge of arcane poetry help you decipher a dire portent? It was a melody from a symphony by Strauss, a Bendel bonnet, a Shakespeare's sonnet - even bloody Mickey Mouse.

I could go on about how all humans have the need to belong - the whole pack mentality that applies to even the punkest of us - but I'm not going to waste anybody's time.

This is basically to say that BAPS had and has a role in my life, a very positive role - a very empowering role [no joke] and that it feels strange [in a door closing, can't go back way] to think it will no longer be. I know, I know - I haven't posted. It doesn't matter. I knew it was there.

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Chenanceou

December 2011

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