My Life

Nov. 20th, 2005 12:30 am
chenanceou: (Default)
It's like being a nun. And, never having gotten myself to a nunnery, I'm guessing.

These days I go to rehearsal. I then complain about my sore feet [my sore back, my sore arms] to anybody around. I go to bed and don't get any sleep. I give up and answer some of my e-mail. That takes some time as my e-mails are notoriously long. I make myself something to eat - I've mastered the art of making miso [and yes, from scratch]. I try and write. I more often than not fail. Then the whole dawn thing happens and suddenly it's time to go back to rehearsal. There I get yelled at - a lot. Somehow all the yelling makes the extravagant compliments bestowed, when I do get it right, even more enjoyable. I know, who would have thought? Masochism usually doesn't work for me. I've been questioning myself - why go through the blisters, the sweat, the pain - when dancing is not my life? I don't live to perform. It was pure chance I ended up getting into this [and the long black hair?]. I'm thinking it's the drama. Olé!

So I rehearse. Over and over again. Between that and the lack of any sleep at all I'm slowly, but surely my friends, going bonkers. I know the whining is getting old and there are so many times you nice people can tell me how sorry you are I can't sleep. Trust me, I'm boring myself here. It's frelling Saturday night and instead of being out there where the lights shine and the people laugh, I'm in here too exhausted to do anything but limp my way across the keyboard.

Thank the deities for phones, e-mails, LJ and... what's that thing called? Ah! IMs. It helps to have some semblance of a social life - even if these days it's a virtual one.

Rinse. Repeat. Tomorrow there's another rehearsal.
chenanceou: (091)
Have you ever stared at the ceiling at three in the morning and tried very hard to not listen to the little voice in your head saying, in the calamitous tones reserved for villains in cartoons, that you'll never, ever, ever sleep again?

If your answer is yes - I'm so very sorry and, unfortunately, I know how you feel.

If you have no idea what I'm talking about you won't understand the utter despondency of the insomniac that has failed, once again, to get any sleep. This cursed* tribe can tell you that if you think television programming is bad during the usual hours, the programming that holds you through the night is much, much worse [hence my stupefying enjoyment of Underworld].

I finally broke and took a sleeping pill. I took it and the thing made me ill, but didn't work [and it reminded me why I never take them]. Ocean sounds? Cricket sounds? Massages? Tisanes? This last week has been an exercise on the futile. I'll end this with a whimper: I just want to sleep.


I'll eventually do the back paddling thing and catch up on LJ. I sincerely hope you all have a wonderful - is this Wednesday already? Bloody hell...

Proof of sanity: On one channel they had The Naked Lunch, on the other [and unrelated channel] they had Beat. [One by William Burroughs, the other on William Burroughs.]

* There's a story somewhere about how people who failed to do their duties for having fallen asleep are condemned to come back as insomniacs - perpetually awake. I must have screwed up something really, really big. You know the Trojan guard in charge of keeping an eye on a certain big wooden horse? Probably me.
chenanceou: (Back)
Today sucked. Bullets.
To anybody out there who is feeling like crap: it's not you, it's today.
Mercifully it will be over soon. Just not soon enough.
Good luck to everybody.
I know I will need it.
chenanceou: (Bitca)
This is a rant. This is a rant about a somewhat controversial celebrity.
My opinions do not reflect those of LJ.

You call me a bitch as if that was a bad thing. )
chenanceou: (Default)
I will not whine. I will not. The pain does NOT bother me... and the puking? Just nerves.

I keep telling that to myself, but I know better. It started with a bad migraine some days ago that landed me at the ER (it looks nothing like the one on the telly - where was Clooney?). Then it suddenly got incredibly cold here. Wait, I live in a bloody tropical country! Oh, right! Fever!

Yep, fever.
Or how I like to call them: the Three Furies (disclaimer: has nothing to do with Mr. Fury, respected member of ME staff who has finally seen the light that is Spike).

I am taken by the weird feeling there is some co-relation between this, a cosmic sense of humor and Murphy's Law. Because of course it makes sense that I would get sick the week before I have to fly to Toronto. Why *not* get sick now? I mean I only have two cons and a list of fun things to do in the next 3 weeks. Not like I have anything planned for, say, the 4th of July. Right?

So I am going to do the responsible thing. What? Postpone the trip? No way! I'm going to take as much medication as this old, decrepit body can tolerate... Then I am going to stick so much make-up on my face even Tammy Faye will look natural in comparison. Then I am going to board that bloody 9-hour-flight-non smoking-plane if that is the last thing I do.

In case it is: white camellias are my favorite flower.

Chen dramatically turning off the night as she puts on bloody red lipstick
chenanceou: (Bitca)
Just a little ditty... a ranty one. I have stopped the reading of lists and of any fics (with rare exceptions) for a while now.
One would think it has something to do with the show (the ending, plot holes, killing of my favorite characters… No, not Amanda), but no. It has a lot more to do with fandom.
I was a total virgin when it came to fandom – as most of you have heard me say a million times… one-man woman here. It has been all about Spike for me. This was my first and (Oh PLEASE Lord!) my last brush with it.
I found some really cool people in my Spike related lists - people who put up with my rants, my unique way of expressing my opinions and other kinks of my own personality. I felt at home and happy, but quickly learnt that there is no home... At least not for long and not for somebody like me. I guess I have only myself to blame... I am fiercely loyal to my friends - online and RL ones. I am also, unfortunately, very much anti-bullshit. And bullshit is so rampant in this fandom that one has to learn to move at the speed of lightning to avoid it. It is everywhere and it comes in many forms.
So here it goes. Anyone who has been around long enough knows about the backstabbing, getting inexcusably personal in posts that should be about a show and not about the poster, the gossip online and (oh lord) at cons and other little things one encounters where humans dwell. We talk (yes, myself included – no saint here) and whisper and most of the time it is in good fun and no harm is done. But what when it is? What when the talk hurts people? What about when people, using the fact they are hiding behind some stupid handle, forget basic civil behavior and go for the jugular over a freaking FICTIONAL character and hurt somebody else?
So quick to attack, judge and dispense punishment. It would be pathetic if people weren’t being trampled on in the process. I myself can’t give a rat’s ass about what people say about me. I have the few people I call friends and basically only their opinion matters to me. When I did read the lists, sometimes I would sit back and think to myself: This can only be about power. Yeah, FE!Buffy quote here. People get some and watch it! as it corrupts. Much.
Secret lists. Please?!
I made a vow not to be too explicit to what brought on this particular rant. So I won’t. But it is my heart’s desire that all the holier than thous out there take a good look in the mirror because what goes around – does comes around.

Chen basically kicking the light out


chenanceou: (Default)

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